News Makeup
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read more#NoNeedToSatirize: Report: Fort Hood shooting suspect made $278,000 while in jail
Report: Fort Hood shooting suspect made $278,000 while in jail (via Raw Story ) The U.S. Army major arrested in connection with a November 2009 mass shooting at Fort Hood, Texas has made more than $278,000 while some victims have literally gone hungry at times, KXAS-TV reported on Monday. In [...]
read moreConservatives Elated to Be Proven Right about Evil Big Government
THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA – Amid reports that the IRS targeted conservative groups for special scrutiny, right-leaning organizations across the nation are expressing relief and elation at finally being proven right about the evils of big government. The scandal—which has already led to the resignation of high-ranking IRS officials—is centered [...]
read moreKarl Rove Wakes Up On Wrong Side of History
WASHINGTON — Karl Rove woke up Monday morning, to his extreme disappointment, on the wrong side of history. Pundits and opponents of his tenure as the shadowy puppet master and White House Chief of Staff during the Bush presidency long warned Rove that he would wind up on the wrong [...]
read moreIllinois Bans Flash Mobs, Deny They Fucking Hate ‘Improv Everywhere’
SPRINGFIELD, Ill. — Illinois Gov. Pat Quinn has signed legislation to increase the prison term to six years for people who use social media to organize flash mobs, but reassured Illinoisans that it was done to prevent the kind of violence that has recently plagued Chicago, and not just because [...]
The Manufactured Narrative
Politics
#NoNeedToSatirize: Bachmann: God will ‘answer our prayers’ and repeal Obamacare with a ‘miracle’
Bachmann: God will ‘answer our prayers’ and repeal Obamacare with a ‘miracle’ (via Raw Story ) Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) is telling her constituents that [...]
U.S.
Gen. Dempsey: Military Appointed Batterers to Deal with Sexual Assault ‘Because They Know it Best’
WASHINGTON — Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Gen. Martin Dempsey today admitted that the United States military has frequently appointed batterers and sexual [...]
New York
NYPD to Violate Privacy of Anyone Willing to Defecate in Thin Plastic Booths
NEW YORK – The New York City Parks and Recreation Department confirmed that anyone wishing to make use of dark, ill-constructed boxes full of human waste [...]
Media
Hosts Worried Hiring Allen West May Damage Fox News’ Credibility
NEW YORK — Fox News hosts today openly lamented the network’s hiring of one-term Congressman and tea party favorite Allen West to be an on-air [...]
Sports
Mets Fans Boldly Form Attachment to Matt Harvey Despite Dreadful Certainty He’ll Be Traded
FLUSHING, N.Y. — Matt Harvey electrified fans on Tuesday night, allowing only one hit in a spectacular nine-inning performance that, somehow appropriately, earned him a [...]
World
Cato Institute Celebrates Atmospheric Rise in Carbon as Boon to Plants, Sunscreen Industry
WASHINGTON – The Cato Institute this week published a paper by Paul “Chip” Knappenberger and Patrick Michaels stating that recent rise in atmospheric concentration of carbon [...]